Silence Hurts
by Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Re-uploaded new Version of Dreams Of Forever. When the whole world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful. Will anyone be the voice of hope when Sylvie contemplates the unthinkable? Mentions of abortion, suicide some cursing. Dose anyone want an alternative version?
1. Chapter 1 Tears

**Fandom: Chicago fire**

**Chapter 1: Tears**

**P O V: Sylvie Brett**

**May 18****th****, 2018 **

**A/N: As usual, I own nothing but the plot and any original characters. All glory goes to NBC, Dick Wolf, and his creative team. Thanks to all who review****ed****, ****favored, or followed****. Warnings mentions of Abortion, suicide. This is an alternative version to Silence Hurts, where Sylvie is saved from suicide. How would life be different? Shay is alive in this version ****she has two kids Matt is their father****vitro fertilization****. **

"Sylvie, Brett listen. I'm sorry I jumped you on that call." Spinning so I can face my partner Gabriela Dawson; I almost lose my balance from the brutal waves of dizziness. Each word she stuttered to me was making me angrier and angrier. My breaths come in short, painful gasps. I can feel my body coming down with something. My chest is super tight; a flushing fever is consuming my body; every syllable comes in raspy tight spaces.

"Gabby, I have never been spoken to so harshly like that in my life. Not on the sidewalk, at work, certainly by someone who's supposed to be my best friend, partner, that was in front of a victim."

"No..I Know..I just had"

"Gabby, I don't care what you had going on in your life. I have things going on too, I treat you with respect…

I can't get the rest of that sentence out because a coughing spasm takes over, becoming a tight wheeze. My fingers gripped the window frame to keep from falling, no matter how hard I tried to breathe evenly. My chest still tightens, causing me to cough, wheeze, gag. Nausea tore through my stomach, my head tightened, which only made things worse. Flinching as she reached out, I jumped back eyes blaring towards her.

"I treat you with respect every time those bells go off. If you c..a..n..'t...d..o...t..h...a...t don't ride with m..e..o...n..6...1."

Leaning against the wall, my shaking hands try to use my inhaler. The worry in Gabby's eyes is real, almost softening me till I remember how she had snapped at me just thirty minutes beforehand. "Sylvie, I'm sorry I fought with Matt, my mind is just all over the place. He can't understand how much I want a baby."

God, every breath hurts worse than the last. I can feel my lungs struggling to work who else can say they feel a body part they can't see? My throat is raw from coughing; sandpaper is softer than my esophagus right now. Placing my hand over my heart, I can barely feel it compared to the pregnant elephant that is always on my chest. "Sylvie, you need to calm down this stress isn't helping you."

"Gabby, I get it, I understand."

"Do you Sylvie? I mean, you don't want kids. So how could you understand how I am feeling? I would do anything for a baby; I'd even give my life up to bring life into this world."

"I know Gabby; I'm sorry you're hurting."

"Brett, your words are meaningless; your actions speak louder than words. You were given the gift of life by my brother; you threw it away. I would've done anything for that baby for a chance to be a mother."

"That doesn't give you the right to mistreat me Gabby; you swore you supported me, how dare you throw that time of my life in my face. Deciding to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision; I ever had to make! You know that you were there with me holding my hand. You said you loved me; you swore you'd keep your mouth shut from Antonio; you have no right, Gabby."

The angry words still ring inside my head hours later as the tears stream down my face, my hands brush over my flat toned stomach. Where there was once life fluttering inside of me now, there is a pit of nausea. I'm not sure how since I spent hours vomiting when I got home, yet I can feel the collision washing over my stomach. Almost as intense as the pounding of jackhammers drilling into my skull from all angles.

Nothing is helping now, not the steam of the scolding hot water streaming down my bare body as I stand in the shower at home. Closing my eyes to block out the brilliant rays of sunlight pouring through my window in the bathroom. Nothing stops the flow of tears which cascade down my face.

Thankfully, the music's turned way up, so my roommates Joe Cruz and Brian "Otis" Zvonecek can't hear me, or they would be in here demanding to know what was wrong even though the whole firehouse listened to the fight between Gabby and me only hours earlier.

Six and half years of friendship confiding in each other, sharing secrets, crushes, vacations, girls night's out. Working side by side, living together. In a flash, she had rejected me thrown it all away with a straightforward sentence. She knew it would destroy me. "You have no right to live Sylvie, not when you could so carelessly murder your own baby."

Those words the harshness in which they were thrown at me tear through my body, crushing my soul, Tears keep flowing as pain rips apart my stomach my knees buckle. I fall against the wall wailing worse than when I saw that innocent puppy get hit by my parent's car. My brother Juventino tried to drive it when he was ten trying to prove he was cool to his friends.

All morning all I've done is cry rivers of tears, there's been enough waterworks that if I had a boat, I could sail to heaven. I can't seem to keep my emotions in check; I hardly ever cry life had taught me to be tough to keep my emotions in check. These last few days though all I can do is cry endless streams of tears, all my scars have reopened, the damage of my youth, the untold stories which have brought me to my knees before now pour out. I've heard from many people not to take the words said in anger to heart.

I think differently if you say it you must have been thinking it way before the anger took over. If you think it, then some part of you has to be feeling it, so somewhere inside of her. Gabby had been thinking all along that I didn't deserve to live.

How long? It's a thought I wish I never had to have, yet it's there haunting me now screaming inside my head. "Murderer!"

I have no idea how long I lay crumbled onto the cold, wet shower floor, all I know is that when I finally find the strength to pick myself up, the water has become ice cold. My body is shivering tiny arm hairs stand at attention. My neck is twitching in pain, my legs shaking as I try to dry myself off. Giving up, I throw my clothes on wet. I can't yell for the guys. My chest is unable to contract to allow air inside. I need my chest physical therapy.

The lights are off when I go downstairs damn it's already darkening outside, how long was I on the floor? A glance outside the window tells me Cruz and Otis are gone. Once again, I am left alone they know I need my therapy without them. I have no one. Gabby is the only one who knows how to do it; Gabby's pissed at me so who do I have left? No one.

"You don't deserve to live," my feet spin who said that? No one is there, just the open window. I didn't know the voice either. It sounds young. "I don't have a name." Am I going crazy? There is the voice again. "You named me no one," salty hot flames of water sting my eyes. Coldness descends on my body. "I never got the chance to live; if I did, you would've been given the name mommy."

It can't be no; this isn't the reality I am just tired, sick. Close your eyes. Sylvie relax, breathe slow one two three. Lay down on the couch. I keep telling myself over and over, but nothing stops the tears or the dizziness they seem to go hand in hand. My own hands have lost control running over my stomach, which flutters but not with life.

"I wanted to be known mommy; I wanted you to see me for who I am, who could I have been, would I be a boy like daddy? Or a girl like you? Would I laugh loudly or giggle? Would I be a baller or a ballerina?"

"Stop." I whisper my chest hissing in pain, "You named me inconvenient. Why mommy" "I didn't force you to spread your legs; you made the choice mommy, so why did I have to pay the price?"

Shooting up gasping, I almost pass out from dizziness, losing my balance; I fall off the couch vomiting with such force, blood comes out. "I could have had a song mommy, so many mommies would have wanted me, you had choices mommy, why chose to end my life? I could have had my own melody, I could be dancing to my own beat, now I am silenced. Silence hurts mommy."

Regret pours from my eyelids; I can taste the sourness. It scorches my lips as it drips down. Burning worse than the acid churning from my stomach. I didn't feel like I had a choice back in January I can barely afford my daily treatments, rent, my health is on the rocks. Cystic Fibrosis has taken its toll on my body, my mind. Carrying to full term could do more damage than I wanted to risk, not to mention any child I have could be born with this horrible disease at the least they would be a carrier.

Antonio had broken up with me the same day I found out I was pregnant, making it clear he wanted to date other ladies and not be tied down. He has two grown kids, why would he want to start over again? Gabby swore, she supported me. Liar, she just said what she thought I wanted to hear. I stumble to the bathroom my legs shaking in pain.

Griping the sink as I wash my mouth out I am completely wiped I can't even make it to the bed my legs give up as I land at my desk. Remembering that night when our baby was conceived, we hadn't been together in months, one encounter one conversation, "How have you been Tonio?" "Missing you, Sylvie, you look amazing." one kiss became us stumbling to his car, my back slamming against the backseat.

Kisses becoming feverish, clothes coming off. "I don't have protection." "I don't care; I want you, I need you." "Are you sure?" "If you are." I can still feel him inside of me. His scent lingers on in his old PD shirt I am wearing. He'd hate me now if he knew. "Babies are miracles from God, no matter how hard I may have struggled, I would never wish away my kids, they are my world." His voice echo's inside my brain, which is spinning. It wasn't his body, though; it's mine. Don't I deserve to be happy healthy? Didn't anybody give a damn about me? Understand what living with CF is like for me on a daily?

CF feels like a Drum-line progression; when they're playing, the sound vibrates and hits every corner of the drum and extends out to the ears. When I hit my chest like a drum, I can hear the sounds of mucus being loosened up.

I can feel CF. I know it's in there, in my chest. It changes like the seasons. On the days that symptoms are less, I take the freedom and embrace it. I love these days. It's days like those that make me feel like I can be ordinary layout in the sun, dive into the water and not worry about choking.

There are other days, similar to a cold winter day, where CF has frozen my lungs inside me I can't just Let it Go as Elsa sings. CF feels like that fat bitch who needs to sing before the show ends.

It feels like a secret beach given to only those who suffer you can't find the damn mainland because the directions haven't been programmed into the damn GPS.

"You brought this on yourself." I don't spin this time. I already know who is talking. It's my conscious this bitch won't let me forget. "I'm sorry," I whisper to the heavens, but does it matter now? Now that its over, I just want to hold my baby. I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me. I've gotta live with the choices I made; I can't live with myself today. Is it my guilt, or is it Gabby causing these tears of regret? For twenty minutes, I gag, cough, vomit, burying my head between my hands as sweat drips down my face, chest.

Washing my mouth out. I try to sip some water, but not even the coldness of the water can't wash the shame away. I need a distraction youtube videos, music, Facebook, anything. I know I won't be able to sleep despite the fact I am so bone-tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

The instant I log into Facebook, I regret it. I am slammed with messages, all leading me to one status.

**Gabby Dawson**

**May 18****th****, 2018 4:30 pm Chicago, Illinois, O'Hare International Airport **

"_This shit has been clogging up the pipes to my heart for too long. Tired of being the bitch who gives, gives, and never receives. I'm done, I've been dangling for far too long. They say if you see someone hurting, don't look away. I expected my family, friends to see my pain. I guess I am just not important enough for anyone. Thank you to MattCasey and SylvieBrett for showing me just how little my feelings, dreams matter. If I can't have my dreams, then there's no point in sticking around. I'm off to Puerto Rico might as well go somewhere I am wanted. I'll take my tears, broken dreams, and build a new life somewhere where I can be myself without judgment. It's been real, but you won't hear from me again." _

Days like today make me feel like I bought the losing lotto ticket. I can't stop coughing or vomiting. I need my CPT the boys know it, they swore to be there for me when we moved in, the last six years Gabby has done my sessions four times a day, Nine positions over thirty minutes. So who can I call? No one. Briefly, my mind drifts to Matt he could learn how to do them, but he's probably already drunk, if I'm taking Gabby's leaving badly, her husband must feel devastated. I think about calling him; Matt's an excellent listener. My fingers hover over his name. In a moment of desperation, tears falling, I press call. Praying, he answers. It rings, rings. Till I get his voice mail. I leave a quick message but hang up my chest feeling tighter now than ever.


	2. Chapter 2 Suicide

**Chapter 2: Suicide**

**P O V: Sylvie Brett**

**May 18th 2018**

**(A/N: This chapter was suggested by two lovely readers booknerdjewel as well as**** a guest so thank you all. Keep the reviews and Challenges coming.)**

Comments start pouring in with each click of the mouse hundreds more appear below her status. Most slamming either me. Over half of them are from people I have never met in real life.

**Mary Beck: **"Selfish you deserve better friends than them, jealous bitches, you spread those wings and fly."

**Nolan Bier: **"Don't waste your time on fake friends, you have a light don't let haters dim it."

**Allison Rafferty**: Gabby you do so much for so many people, you are better off without scum like them.

**Allan Chout:** Fat pig Sylvie how can you be such bitch? I mean Gabby showed you the ropes! She took you under her wings when Shay was killed, her best friend and she gave you the chance, I always said you weren't cut out for this job, does anyone ever listen to the Chout man? Nope."

**AnnaTate**: It shows true colors when being rude...it can also be an embarrassment and teaches rights from wrong. Negative people attract attention that's all some people crave is attention. We call them whores. Lay off people I bet half of ya' fools don't even know these people, yet social media makes you feel like you're entitled to ride your high horse, because you're not face to face, Grow up!"

**Natalie Manning**: "I pray you find the peace you need sweet Gabby. Will miss you here"

**Ava Bekker:** "Babe if you need beauty go to South Africa see my aunt J'san she owns a bed and bath. She'll take care of you, there's no place more beautiful than my home country. I miss you already. SylvieBrett you are a precious soul ignore these trolls they know not who they . They just see attention. Kisses babe we need a girls night."

**Erin Lindsay: **"Some day we will all have perfect wings till then lay off the blame, no one knows someone else pain. Gabby I pray you find the serenity you need, no one knows a broken mind the way I do. It's hell, but you dear are heaven."

**Cole Drew: **Slut I knew Sylvie in high school she was a tease a heart breaker and easy in every way, the pretty ones are always the bitchiest. Get out when you can Gabby."

****Who the hell is this Cole guy? Where does he get off telling lies? I never knew him, I sure as hell never slept with him. I'm coughing so hard now it's hard to see the tears keep flowing. I should stop reading yet I can't.

**Erik McAuley: **It's all doom and gloom Gabby. Chicago is one big thunder storm that never ends, you'll never escape hurricane 51, unless you run far and away. If you can't handle the rain go to the sunshine."

**April Saxton: **Heard Sylvie had an abortion murderer, you deserve the hate, you committed the unforgivable sin."

How did she hear about my choice? It wasn't at Med, who told her? Only Gabby and Shay knew. How could they betray me? I am shaking so hard I can't even hold the mouse anymore.

**Ava Bekker: "**April seriously? I can report you on so many HIPPA visitations from just this one sentence what the eff is wrong with you? Gawd I am just so sick of all the hate out there! The self loathing, personal insecurities and lack of self respect that these bullies must have for themselves, yet they feel the need to project onto others who are brave enough to live their dreams and life to the fullest is getting soooo boring. SylvieBrett seriously call me babe. April you need to report to Sharon's office **ASAP by that I mean now!" **#bullyingkills #stopthehatespreadthelove

**Tate Johnson: **Is Sylvie that skinny white bitch? Tell her to stick an apple pie in her mouth she looks anorexic. Bitch you need to quit running your mouth and shove food down it, ain't no one liking a skinny whore. Put some meat on them bones uh you white girls make me ill."

**Pinata Dawson**: Bitch I'll beat her ass send me her address no one makes my cousin leave her home state, she needs to go back to farmvile. Get the eff outta Chicago Brett!"

**Katrina Dawson: **Yo' hit me up PanataDawson we gonna whoop that blond bimbo's ass! Ain't no one gonna drive our family outta town. I promise, I won't stop smashing her face in till she bleeds out! You wit' me?"

**Will Halstead:** "I blame you for this Sylvie! I'm also very drunk."

**FarmBoy2018**: "I live in Fowlertown where Sylvie is from, man ya need to hear the rumors about this chick, she got around. If she still lived here, I promise you I would kick her ass, after I banged her of course, she don't deserve to live, not after what she did to my bro' Maddie, she's a leach she gets her claws into you sucks your blood and leaves you left gasping for air. Run Gabby Run!"

**FarmBoy2018Bro's:** Preach Bro' preach she's a disgrace to the human race. I hope I live to see the day when her suicide is that day's headline. If you won't come out and play Sylvie please do us all a favor off yourself, a gun we all know you have them, a knife, pills, drink your sorry ass to death, who gives a shit how ya do it just DO IT! you're not funny, brave smart, beautiful you are worthless! You life is meaningless!"

**Middleofthesong:** If you ever find anyone stupid enough to date you send me their address, I'll send them a sympathy card, they'll need it. You don't deserve love, just hate, murderers aren't human their pigs. I believe AprilSaxton

**AvaBekker:** "Please call me Sylvie let me know you are okay. You are a beautiful woman, don't let this hate effect you. The world will be deprived of your beautiful rays of sunshine"

My phone was blowing up as badly as my FB account is all from people I know in real life. Pinata and Katrina are both sending me hate filled text messages.

"I know where you live bitch. Watch your back."

"I'm coming' for your ugly ass."

"Ain't no one gonna drive my family outta town."

"Bitch I got my gun you better off yourself before I get there.

I promise you there ain't gonna be no fair fight. You ain't no match for my fists or my Tomahawk."

Joe sent me a text he had seen the fight in person, had held me told me he loved me, he would be there. Now I read the words disbelieving what I am seeing with my own eyes.

How could you! Gabby is a beautiful light! How could you drive her away? I am so mad, I never want to see you again. YOU KILLED YOUR OWN BABY! You made Gabby go with you! You knew how much she wanted a baby. Monster! God will never forgive you! Neither will I!"

His text sent my phone flying across the room. Growing numb now I can barely feel the tears sliding down my face. It's a strange feeling paralyzing my body. I'm beyond breathing, feeling, tasting, seeing. If everyone is telling me how awful I am maybe it's true, this reminds me of high school all over again. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't around Joe and Otis could find a new roommate one who didn't come at such a high cost.

My parents wouldn't have to worry about my safety everyday trembling fingers trace the photograph inside the glass walls. Trapped forever in an illusion of fake smiles and laughter. Tess and Peter my adoptive parents, they didn't give birth to me. No that honor belongs to the dirt bags who left me on the door of a firehouse when I was two days old. Rejected even in birth before I even knew what the hell life was. What chance did I ever have? Seventeen foster homes in the first two years, seven of them I was molested in, of course I don't remember them. I only know because I read my files once by accident when I was thirteen my guidance counselor had accidentally left them open on his desk. Rejection has become a way of life for me, none of those foster homes wanted me. Why didn't my own parents want me though? 

Did I cry too hard? Too loud or to long? Dirty my diapers too fast? Did they know I had CF did they not want to watch me die? Spend the money it takes to keep me alive? Were they addicted to drugs? Was it too hard financially? Were they too young? Or just simply not care enough? Was I a mistake, were they just not strong enough to have an abortion? Not allowed to? Was my mother raped? Or did she have a career she refused to give up for an inconvenience such as a baby? Maybe I am more like someone I have never met than I could ever imagine.

Rejection I know it well Keith, Cian, Scott all teenage boyfriends who rejected me after one kiss. They called me salttoplous they said kissing me was like sticking their mouths in a salt shaker. CF affects epithelial cells in the skin's sweat glands, kids with CF may have a salty "frosting" on our skin or taste "salty" when you kiss us. We may lose abnormally large amounts of body salt when we sweat on hot days. My grandma use to tell me that they were just kids, kids were naive and followed their peers, teenage boys didn't think with their brains or hearts just their throbbing junior members. I miss my memaw I haven't seen her in years.

Antonio isn't a child though he broke up with me, his excuses were more grownup work, kids. Rejection is rejection no matter how you do it. The pain is every bit as real. My pill bottle rattles in my hand this should be easy I am so use to taking fist full of pills everyday. Life isn't worth the fight anymore, so many questions run through my brain, no answers, counting out thirty pills, I take slow deep breaths, soon there would be one less heart to be broken. Twenty five pills for every year I have been alive, five for the rest of my twenties. I don't plan to see through.

Typing a face book status I feel strangely at peace now, I've made my decision no one can judge me anymore.

**Sylvie Brett May 18th 2018 5:50 pm feeling hopeful**

"_I hate when people say thinking of or committing suicide is selfish or cowardly. You think that we don't know that this will hurt the ones we love. __Y__ou don't think __that __we don't think about it 24/7? __B__ecause we do. It's all I've thought about since I was a teenager. Depression is a disease people not a choice, I've fought it so damn hard for so damn long, in silence. I've plastered on the fake smiles, lie__d__ the same song; I'm fine over, over and f***ing over again! I've laughed at your salty jokes hid my tears so you wouldn't be uncomfortable. Sometimes I got so damn good I even believed my own lies. __T__hat "I am fine" I'm not fine! I haven't been okay or good in a very long time._

_Today the truth comes out, __some of __the people I am closest to don't even think I __deserve__ to live, so today is their lucky day. __T__oday is my last day on this damn earth, so get your part__y__ hats ready, rest those legs cause soon you'll be dancing in __celebration.__ I'm singing my last lullaby __thanks for setting me free, see you in heaven if God grants me forgiveness for this last sin. If not I'll be burning in hell, I'm use to it. So no sacrifice right? _

_To t__he people __who I've__ touched __who actually give a damn about me, well I am sorry. Once again I will let you down. I hope that my death won't screw with you too much, I hope you know I am not doing this to hurt you. I am doing this because I love you. I can't be the source of your hurt, discomfort or inconvenience anymore. I want you to know I appreciate everything you have ever done for me, I feel you, you have touched me. This pain is just too damn heavy anymore. I can't breathe, it feels like being underwater, I can't hold my breath anymore. Even when I am not holding my breath I can't find air. _

_I hope my life will in some way leave a positive impact on you. Ca__use in this life, its hard to tell __w__hat's false and what is true. __W__hat's the point in life when you can't find happiness? When all you do is cry? What's the damn point in holding on when so many people are telling me to go? I'll never find love who would want to be with someone as messed up as diseased as me? When the truth is my life expectancy is so short anyway. Why risk love when you know you'll only lose? I want to be woke as the kids would say but the truth is I wake up everyday with a __fake ass smile__ feeling like complete shit. _

_I haven't laughed in real time in years. I've made a disaster out of my life all I really know for sure is this. I don't belong here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tumbling, No matter how strong we all one day we will all return to the ground. Another day gone. A day closer to fate, __d__on't try to stop me, you'll be too late. My mind is set, I need to spread my wings, to be free. Silence hurts, I am done with hurting. I'm sorry truly for anyone and everyone who genuinely loves me. Love Sylvie."_

The pills stick in my throat figures I can't even die correctly. After a round of vomiting, heaving, coughing, I manage to calm down enough to reach into my desk drawer I'm looking for my gun, but I find my spare cell phone, I always keep two just in case of an emergency when you have CF and a dangerous job like mine you can never be too prepared, I hate feeling like this so weak, so powerless so damaged. I need help I know it, I'm just not strong enough to do this on my own. I hesitate for a brief second before calling Matt again. I find myself bargaining with God. "If Matt answers God it's a sign you want me to live, if he doesn't. Than I know you want me home." It's stupid I know yet it keeps me hoping for a split second till his voicemail pops back up. I leave another message my voice strained in tears.

"Matt I am so sorry Gabby left, it's my fault. I pushed her to hard, I didn't think she would snap. I didn't know how much she was hurting, I can't take this anymore. I'm sorry that I caused you this much pain. I just wanted to let you know that I've made a decision. I wanted to leave this message to let you know I'm probably not going to make it much longer. This is me saying goodbye... I love all of you at 51, you have given me so much. I don't deserve any of you. Please tell my parents that I loved them, and that I am sorry I am such a screw up. I love you."

Puling out my .34 Caliber Glock, The shiny black metal gleams like a reward to me. I hope this is quick and painless unlike my life. Turning up my stereo since I know the kids are home next door, I crank up the volume. I have some morals left after all. Don't want them scarred for life by the sound of this gunshot. I'm lost but soon I will be found in the arms of Jesus, he will forgive me, I have to believe this. Closing my eyes I raise the gun to my head, trying to listen to the song, if I listen to the lyrics it won't hurt as much. At least that's what I tell myself. The cold metal against my temple makes me shiver. The lyrics are perfect.

"_**If I wasn't here tomorrow would anybody care  
If my time was up I'd wanna know  
You were happy I was there**_

_**If I wasn't here tomorrow would anyone lose sleep  
If I wasn't hard and hollow  
Then maybe you would miss me**_

_**I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone  
Someone that I'd like better  
I can never forget, so don't remind me of it forever**_

_**What if I just pulled myself together  
Would it matter at all  
What if I just tried not to remember  
Would it matter at all  
All the chances that have passed me by  
Would it matter if I gave it one more try  
Would it matter at all"**_

Deep breath Sylvie it won't hurt much longer.

**Lyrics are to Skillet's song Would It Matter**


	3. Chapter 3 Peace and acceptance

**Chapter 3: Peace and Acceptance**

**P O V: Stella Kidd**

"Stella baby what's wrong?" Kelly's voice whispers in my ear as his arms wrap tightly around my bare chest across my back which his naked body is pressed against. Those amazing lips are trailing sweet honey BBQ flavored kisses all down my neck, spine. "I don't know Kelly. I can't put it into words, I can't pinpoint what it is or why I feel this way. I just have a bad feeling. Kelly I never ignore my feelings. My gut has gotten me through every hardship in life."

"I get that Stella, I understand it I use the same techniques, always rely on your guts, heart. Sometimes though baby you need a rest. All year we've been struggling, going back and forth between one crisis after another. You deserve to take some time. Zach's gone; Anna is gone, we're both hurting babe, what's the harm in a little fun?" "A little? Kelly it was more like six or seven times." "I'm not complaining." Crawling on top of him I smile slightly at least try to. I want him to know how much I appreciate him, love being with him, yet it's almost like my muscles forget how to smile and be happy.

His hands roam my body as I guide him inside of me moaning in delight as he starts to thrust. "Damn baby I like it when we have fun." "I know you do Kelly." guiding his hands to my butt checks, I watch his eyes dance with delight as they watch my chest rise, fall. "Stella your barely smiling, I know I am getting old, but I know I haven't lost my touch, talk to me. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry I just can't shake this damn feeling it keeps getting more and more gut wrenching. I haven't felt this way since Harry, I just don't want to ever make that mistake again." He doesn't ask who Harry is or why I keep thinking of another man while we make love. Kelly's amazing that way, I know he's thinking about it wondering, probably getting pissed. Yet he trusts me. So he keeps quite giving me my space.

"Relax Stella your thinking too hard." Warmth spreads through my lower half as my moans get louder. "I'm just confused how could Gabby leave her whole life behind? She has a husband she made vows, we're her family. How could she be such a bitch to Sylvie? She's so sweet, she didn't deserve that."

"She has her reasons, after Shay was killed I ran as far away from Chicago as I could. It was simply to painful to be around the people who knew her, who loved her. I needed to lick my wounds. To find my own way.'

"You came around though at some point."

"I did because Matt wouldn't give up, and we won't give up on them Stella, but tonight needs to be about us. It'll be hard at first, they'll feel alone, angry, confused, scared and depressed. They may drink too much sleep too little, but they'll rise, the human spirit is unbreakable."

"I wish that was true Kelly but it isn't people break, sometimes they shatter like glass, there's no putting shattered glass back together, there's simply too many fragments." "That's why we should be there Kelly tonight's going to be the hardest...oh god!" My body took over my mind each thrust became more feverish, harder. "We promised Stella after you saw Gabby's status no cell's, no laptops, no electrical devices. We are taking the night off, just the two of us. We have the right to be happy. No matter how much someone else is hurting. We can't take away their pain."

I squeal as he throws me down on the bed my legs spread wider so he can now lay in between them pumping faster, both of us panting as our bodies start to climax together, our lisp smashing together. I grip his arms so strong, so big our bodies mold together in one sweaty, feverish, canvas as we make love.

"We all deserve peace Stella, the sooner we find the acceptance to allow ourselves to be happy, to make mistakes, hurt to simply be human, the more peaceful our lives will become."

Why is Harry on my mind so much though? Block him out Stella, he's gone. He's been gone for years, he's your past. Kelly is your present and future, he's right here. There's always tomorrow to worry about Sylvie and Matt. Tomorrow; I'll talk to Matt, spend the day with him, make sure he's eating properly, sleeping. Tomorrow I'll take Sylvie out on a girls night.

Tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4 Love

**Chapter 4: Love**

**P O V: Matthew Casey**

"I promise to love you. Treasure you, Fight with you. Side by side. I promise to love you forever stand besides you, through sickness and health. Till death due us part."

"I use to think I was irreplaceable. I mean those were her words Herrman. She made those promises. I didn't force her. After everything we went through. How could she just leave me like this?" We had dreams, plans, hopes. Where did it all go wrong? How did it all get so blown up?"

Sliding me another beer Herrman shrugs "I don't know man, I'm sorry hey on the bright side man, beers are half price to you now Captain."

"Cheap ass." Adam Rusek comes up slapping me on my back "his wife just left him, if anyone deserves to drink free tonight it's this dude." "Tell ya what Adam since you've already consumed way too many past the limit. Your off the severing list but I'll put the rest of his tab on your account."

"Hey!"

"Sounds good dude thought so."

Chief slides besides me squeezing my shoulders a crisp nod between us lets me know he hurts for me. "It'll get easier Casey. Someday it'll hurt less, right now it's like a god damn bitch but your heart will heal." My cell flashes "Gabby?" I shake my head towards the chief as I see Sylvie's name and face flash on my cell. I wonder briefly what she wants, but I'm not ready to talk to anyone else yet. Not about Gabby not to her, she's too close to the drama.

Right now I just want to drink myself numb maybe find a hot woman and get laid. "Next round Herrman." Chief slaps my back "Is on me for Casey." "Thanks man you don't have to." "I know Casey I want to." "Gonna get that call looks like Sylvie, hope she's feeling better, She looked pretty sick today I almost sent her home early." Chief's words haunt me as I reach for the cell just as it stops ringing.

People cheer as the game erupts some team scored I can't focus on who is playing or even what sport is on. My mind feels fussy like I'm plunging into a deep dark abyss. "I've never felt pain like this I think my heart is going to shatter Chief. Even when Hallie died I felt something besides pain. This is agonizing."

"It's raw yet Casey. Your still bleeding, think of a piece of meat when you throw it and dogs attack it." "Lovely image of my heart chief thanks." He raised his glass as I clicked mine against his. "Wanna hit the gym tomorrow?" Kevin Atwalter is besides me grabbing beers for his team. "Sounds like a plan man thanks." We bump fists I feel Kim squeeze my shoulders her softness triggers something inside of me I instantly recall Gabby's soft coca skin smelling of delicious vanilla as her arms wrapped around my naked form while we lay in bed after making love.

"Heartbreak is a bitch man, she's the daughter of that fat ass bitch who we call karma, except she's never ending. Just when we think we're healing something else comes along to break our hearts again."

"This bitch needs an antacid."

"Anyone seen Sylvie yet?" Otis comes up "Nah did she say she was coming?" "Honestly didn't see her much today she was showering than I think she fell asleep." "try calling her Otis." "copy that chief. She wasn't looking too well earlier." "I know that's why I am worried. Did either of you do her cpt before you left?" A worried look comes over his face I should be concerned about her I know that but all I see in my mind right now are the trips Gabby and I planned to take.

I can see us in Africa building schools, making love under the stars. Her touch still sends tiny goose bumps gliding up my arms, my nostrils can still smell her, my lips tingle from our last kiss, her moans still echo in my ears. We had made love only two days ago in hopes of getting her pregnant.

God what I wouldn't give to be in our bed holding my wife kissing her naked body making plans with her; hearing her laugh. Getting up I head to the bathroom all this beer is going straight to my bladder of course my cell rings again as I'm relieving myself. I can't get to it fast enough of course by the time I am done and wrestle my way outside for quite the ringing has stopped.

Chief's words get to me as I press play what if she's sick and needs to get to the hospital she's too stubborn to call 911, if the guys didn't do her CPT she's probably struggling to breathe. I won't forgive myself if anything happens to her. Even though I don't want to talk about Gabby I press play to see what she said.

Her voice breaks as it comes out she sounds so lost, hurt scared and devastated, her words are what stop me cold though. She's saying goodbye, why is she saying goodbye? How could this happen? Racing to my car I know I shouldn't be driving but I'll never forgive myself if I don't get to her in time.

"Jesus take the wheel" I mutter as I tear off towards her apartment. Praying I make it in time.


	5. Chapter 5 Everything for you

**Chapter 5: Everything for you**

**P O V: Gabby Dawson**

"Thank you for driving me to the airport Erin." "of course Gabby. God I am going to miss you so much, I know I'm only in town for a few days to surprise Hank for his birthday, but you are such a part of Chicago to me."

She quickly wipes my tears away "Gabby I am so sorry everything is going so crappy for you right now." she holds me tightly rubbing small circles around my back "He was my everything Erin, we use to lay awake all the time talking about the silliest shit. We had so many dreams, we were so alike it's why we got along so well, I've had a crush on him for years, we overcame so many obstacles."

"I use to feel like his queen Erin, he would always go out of his way to make me feel special, when did I stop mattering to him? Everyone knows I wanted a baby I never made a secret of it, I never stopped wanting, dreaming. He to use want the same damn thing so what changed? Who changed? Why?"

"Baby I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to have everything changed so drastically. I never ever dreamed my life would be outside of Chicago, I was born here, I lived on these streets, I felt one with Chicago. Hank, my family, my friends their all here, I dreamed I would marry Jay we'd have kids and raise them to be the biggest cub fans. Now I've lived in New York for three years, yeah I miss people, places. I've built a life though, I love New York."

Sniffling I can't stop crying her hands keep rubbing my back as my head rests on her shoulder I'm so tired I just want to sleep. Instead she hands me a water bottle. "Drink babe." her fingers wipe away my tears as we lay cuddled on a couch inside the lounge at O'Hare airport. God I miss Shay. I love Erin but Shay was my rock she would know what to say what to do, what to drink.

"I feel like I am dying, I'm not going to make it out of this alive."

"You will Gabby. It'll hurt to say goodbye but your ready honey. You are going to do so much good in Puerto Rico, you'll build a life there slowly, your heart will mend it's a strong muscle. Life isn't a fairy-tale, it's breathless moments that will break you down. There will be moments of joyful anticipation and celebrations. You'll learn balance soon Chicago will be a distance memory, a different time."

Sniffling back tears I sink into her arms it feels amazing "Thank you for being here with me Erin, I have no one to call anymore Shay's dead, Stella won't talk to me she's pissed over how I talked to Sylvie, not that I blame her." "god I screwed that one up so royally I should of never talked to her that way. I knew what I was saying. I knew it would hurt her, I wanted to cut her to her core I was so angry so hurt and none of it was her fault." her fingers run across my face, scalp. I have two hours to go before my flight leaves. "Did you mean what you said?" "No I was so angry so hurt. I just didn't think I just went Gabby."

'Than tell her Gabby, give it a few days for both of you to cool down, you'll get the chance." "what if I don't?" "You will sweetie she's your best friend, she'll forgive you." "Thank you Erin for everything." "No problem girlfriend, I love you that's what girlfriends are suppose to do. Anything you need, anytime, everything for you." my eyes focus on her changing face as she reads her cellphone suddenly she bolts upright. "Gabby I'm sorry I have to go it's Sylvie, she's going to hurt herself."

Instantly I'm on my feet following her at top speed bags forgotten flight be dammed. Heart racing I'll never be able to live with myself if my words, my actions caused another human being to take their own life. I send a silent prayer up to my lord and savior "Please Jesus let us get there in time. I'll do everything for you. Lord Jesus anything you want just please spare us your angel, she's ours to."

**A/N: ****Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly ******one death every 40 seconds.****

****Suicide is the 2********nd**********leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.**

****Depression****** is the leading cause of disability worldwide. **

**If you are located in the United States, call 911 for medical emergencies, and the Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255**

****TrevorLifeline** — A crisis intervention and suicide prevention phone service available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386**

**TrevorText** — Text "START" to 678678. Standard text messaging rates apply. Available 24/7/365.

**TrevorSpace** — An online international peer-to-peer community for LGBTQ young people and their friends.

**Trevor Support Center** — Where LGBTQ youth and allies can find answers to FAQs and explore resources related to sexual orientation, gender identity and more.

**If you're a Veteran in crisis or concerned about one, there are caring, qualified VA responders standing by to help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.**

Text to 838255 or Call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1 Chat. Support for deaf and hard of hearing: 1-800-799-4889


	6. Chapter 6 Gunshot

**Chapter 6: Gunshot**

**P O V: Gabriela Dawson**

Seconds turn into minutes, which change to hours that slowly become days. The days morph into weeks that form months. Each second is precious because none of us ever know when that last second will truly be our last. We take for granted that time isn't promised, it isn't guaranteed.

I've always been that person who analyzes each mistake each choice. If Erin and I had been just two seconds earlier. Maybe we would have been on time. Growing up I've heard so many gunshots; I could tell you the differences between a nine mill and a semi by the time I was five. Gangs littered my corners they were always trying to get me to hustle for them, date them. We had to sit on the floor because no matter what time of day or night it was those gangs were always shooting at each other Cause bullets don't care about age, race, gender, who they were meant for.

As a paramedic I've seen the devastation of gunshots "Sylvie no!" today I saw first hand the power of a gun when it's pointed to the head of my best friend. Her eyes looked straight into mine, her voice remained calm eerie as she said to me "Gabby you were right. I don't deserve to live."

If I live to be a hundred I will never get that sound of the gunshot out of my head. It took us just a split second to get around her bed shoving it aside, but that second was a second too late. The bullet tore through her skull into her brain, blood and brain matter splattered the wet sticky mess smeared across my face, eyes. Erin's scream tore through the apartment but no one would hear her not over the blasting music. She fell back in shock as Sylvie's legs collapsed, her body fell like dead weight into my arms.

Her head fell back against my shoulder, I couldn't scream, I couldn't move. All I could do was stare at her body jerking in my arms. The brain is such a fragile being surrounded in tissue, liquid. Bullets have a field day destroying everything and anything in it's path. Their worse than a tornado the shock waves from the impact rip apart anything left from the bullet. After the bullet tears through the brain swelling starts from blood, other fluid. The body goes into a state of shock jerking uncontrollably.

Ten to fifteen seconds is all it takes for a person to die, first the part that controls breathing stops, followed seconds later by the heartbeat. "Sylvie..No… I'm sorry I am so sorry I never..." her eyes roll back blood sputters from her mouth as she coughs. "You did...you..have..to..live..with..the … consequences….I never stopped loving you."

"Sylvie!" I know she's dead. I know there's nothing I can do now; still my arms won't put her down. I can't stop holding her to my body rocking her in my lap.

This is my fault my actions. My words caused this the horror of what I said, how I caused her to feel will echo deeper in my soul longer than the sound of that damn gunshot will ring inside my head or ears.

Words have power, sometimes words can cut deeper to a person soul or psyche than a knife to the skin. If someone is told enough times that their worthless, that their choices don't matter, they start to believe it. It only takes one person to say something that could mean the difference between someone reaching out for help or someone making a choice that can never be taken back.

You never know when someone is acting okay smiling and laughing on the outside may actually be slowly silently dying on the inside. I had no idea Sylvie was in this much pain, when did it start? Could I have sat besides her day in and day out never knowing that she felt this cold and empty. I guess it's true that we can live a thousand lifetimes and never truly know how someone else feels. "Murderer" that's what I called her the reality is though she isn't the murderer. I am. I killed her spirit, her soul, I made her feel alone, unloved, unlovable. How do I live with myself? Do I even deserve to live? The gun lays thrown at her side, my eyes watery take it in "Do it." a voice whispers. It's a cold/ cruel indifferent voice. I've never heard it before.

Your not okay Gabby. Join her, God forgives all sins, he'll forgive your transgressions. Maybe you can make up in heaven. No one down here will ever forgive you for what you did. You shouldn't be forgiven. Did you show any forgiveness towards Sylvie? Why do you deserve it and she didn't? It doesn't matter how many lifetimes you live, this sin, this shame can't be erased. Her parents are now going to have to live with the reality that their child is dead, that they will outlive her. No parent ever wants to out live their child. It's not natural it's not the way our society is suppose to work.

Her eyes are still open why haven't they closed? Their not moving their fixed and dilated their just staring at me haunting me reminding me. "You did this! You killed your best friend. Your words! Your hate, anger and pain caused someone else to take their life. Her hand is limp, her whole body feels heavy, still I slip my hand into hers, she's warm still, color is slowly starting to drain from her. Blood still trickles down her face, my stomach revolts. "I love you Sylvie, I am so sorry." It's all I can repeat over and over as tears cascaded down my checks.

"Sorry isn't enough Gabby, not if you don't learn from your mistakes." My dad's words echo inside my head, my hand reaches for the gun. I've learned alright. I'm done hurting people, I'm done being hurt. Sylvie didn't deserve to die, but I do.


	7. Chapter 7 Opportunities

**Chapter 7: Opportunities**

**P O V: Erin Lindsay**

**A/N: Swearing and violence in this chapter.**

The sound of the gunshot sends me revolting back not so much in the physical sense as in the emotional onset of memories. They crash down on me in sonic waves of digital photographs inside my mind.

It sends me right back to my first kill. Not my first legal kill.

I was fifteen I can still hear Charlie screaming at me angry tense hate filled shouts inside my ear his breath stank of beer and weed. "Pull the trigger bitch, are you a fucking leader? Or do I need to remind you what happens to you sluts who disobey me?" I was young, scared. The gun felt heavier than normal, my throat was tight, eyes watering. I hated when he got like this. "Are you going to let this street trash steal from you Queen? You want your crew to see you as some punk ass little weak bitch who can't even control her own trash?"

My eyes found hers filled with confusion and utter terror her knees curled to her chest, she could barely breath. Tears streaked her chubby face she had only been with my crew for three weeks, I had found her rummaging through dumpsters behind the Middle School, clothes torn, face streaked with tears, that winter had been one of the cruelest of all Chicago polar vortex's. Being the nice girl I was I had taken her in with my crew given her shelter, clothes, food. So how did she repay me?

"This is your show Queen, you run these streets, everyone knows that W of Burton through N of Crosby that's Queen's territory this little bitch thinks she can run her own show on North Park, she has to be taught what happens to traitors she has to be an example Queen or everyone will know you ain't nothing but a little punk ass..

The sound of the gun firing took me by surprise even then my feet remained frozen in their spot, my ears rung. Charlie was sent flying back laughing as the bullet ripped from the chamber catapulted through the barrel directly into her forehead. Blood splattered against the wall smearing in streaks, dripping to the hardwood floor sure to stain. The wet sticky mess hit me in my face. My stomach lurched forward. Her eyes stayed wide open still frozen in that childlike innocence of fear, shock and confusion.

The bullet didn't have a name or an age. She did.

Her street name was tears. Her real name I learned years later after I became a cop. Cora Rae Rijanders she was from Detroit Michigan. Cora was twelve years old when I murdered her in cold blood because of a dispute of drugs/ territory. Her mom Regina had been searching high and low for her ever since Cora had ran away she made the discovery through Cora's journal she documented each time her step-dad had raped her. She put her plan into those pages that she would tell her school counselor and if nothing was done she was gone.

Now because of me her little girl who loved to help her little brother bake, who loved girl scouts, math, singing and double dutch. Now she's gone forever. She had dreamed about becoming a cop to help others who were victims of violence. Now it's sad to me to think a life so pure was taken out in such a cruel violent act.

Money reputation was more important than her sweet little life. Those streets are all about survival, to thrive to be the top is to be the baddest, ruthless and meanest. I became heartless because I wasn't going to be a statistic, I was going to live a better life than my mother. People used me my whole life so I used them.

I'm blessed now to say those old ways are dead and gone. I was given a second chance at living a clean meaningful life. I've tried to bury my past with drugs, booze, boxing, running, therapy. For the longest time it consumed me haunted me, kept me up at night, I did so much shit that no little girl should ever have to do just to get a clean bed, warm food, clothes and an education.

I only learned to forgive myself when I learned to love myself and grow from my past. It's not easy there are times when it still comes back in painful breathtaking waves, those times it's tough to not eat my own gun. Till I think of Hank and how it would destroy him, he gave me life a second chance and a third.

My eyes stop misting focusing now on Gabby she didn't pull the trigger like I did back then, yet Sylvie's blood is literately on us. The stickiness is hot making me sick because it's exactly how Cora's was.

Her words killed Sylvie no one understands how powerful words are. They don't just break hearts, they break people. "Gabby No!" My mind is screaming yet my mouth is sticky unable to open. So I speak with the only reaction I can manage. My fist which slams into Gabby's right eye knocking the gun out of her hand sending it flying.

We don't get a lot of opportunities to change a life or save a life so when we do. We need to take them. Guilt's a bitch Gabby's about to learn to live with regret, tears and horrible choices. It will be it's own brand of hell. But it'll be her life, her actions, her consequences and I will be by her side helping her to learn that each new opportunity is a chance we get to make a difference in the outcome of someone else life.


	8. Chapter 8 are you challenging me?

**Chapter 8: Are you Challenging me?**

**P O V: Matt Casey**

"What are you doing dumbass? Your drunk! You shouldn't be behind the wheel!" Gabby's voice shouts inside my head. She's right of course, she's not even here and she's still voicing her opinion on how I live my life. How she manages to do it without even being here is beyond me.

I'm dizzy the roads swerved more than once, lights have blurred mixing with street signs. "Your going to hurt someone! Pull over!"

"Son I'm going to give you a piece of life advice one that will serve you well in your future." My dad's voice is now mixing with my wife's. A memory of the two of us when I was eight springs to my mind. We were in front of the grill end of the school year BBQ a Casey tradition. "yes sir' I'm listening." "when you settle down and get married. Always listen to your wife even when she's wrong. She's right."

Pulling over I stumble to the opening of what I can't tell my hands grip a railing which is wet. When did it start to rain? Why do I have to piss so bad? Where am I? My stomach starts to lurch forward. I can feel my chest squeezing. How can I get to Brett if I don't even know where the hell I am? Where does she live again? Seriously why do I have to piss so bad? My vision is still distorted as I look around I can't tell if there are people around or not or even where I am exactly. I'm taking a chance but I have to piss so bad I don't care or maybe I'm too drunk to care so I pull it out.

Stumbling down the street afterwards I try to figure out where I am. The city lights are blazing high above me, the wind is blowing hard, rain is pelting my face.

I'm on a bridge that much I can tell there's water down below. No not just any bridge; I'm on their bridge. Dawson and Shay's bridge. I can feel them here. Was it fate that sent me here? Is God trying to tell me something what? Because right now it seems like a cruel joke. Being here just makes me miss them both so much. I wasn't close to Shay really. Not because I didn't like her, I just always thought there would be more time. I got caught up in life. I never made the effort always told myself tomorrow or next week. I'll get to know her better. I should she's Gabby's best friend.

That's the thing about time. You always think you'll have more of it. Till it slaps you in the face and laughs at you. Why did she have to be such a bitch? First she took Shay from us none of us have ever been the same since. Her death destroyed a part of Gabby. She never let the world see it I did though. Even in our most inmate moments I felt her guilt in waves, some nights she would cry when we were making love because it was the only time she felt comfortable enough to let her emotions out.

Her nightmares would often follow I would hear her cry out. No matter how much I would hold her it never was enough. She always cried wishing for a chance to turn back time, to never switch positions with Shay. She'd still be with us then.

A sudden noise scares me alerting my attention to a figure standing a few feet away from me. He's young hunched over the other side of the railing clinging to it. His eyes looking down I recognize that look in his eyes.

Desperation

Hopelessness

All the emotions I'm feeling right now. He's ready to jump. Where's my cell? I fumble for it. My fingers won't work right. Before I can grasp what is happening it falls from my hands into the raging water below. "crap."

"Sums up my life."

His voice is detached "makes two of us." I keep my voice light not easy when I'm still quite intoxicated. "why is yours such crap? You're a grown-up. Don't you people have it all figured out and shit?" "you got the shit part right."

"Doubt it's as bad as mine."

Laughing I move slightly closer his eyes Haven't left the water. "I don't know about that one man. I mean we're both out here." "I guess you got a point, but you seem pretty drunk dude. Are you sure you even want to be here?"

"Do you?"

"I'm sober and I'm here."

"Because you want to be or feel like there's no other choice?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah. It does. If you want to be, there is very little I can do to change your mind. If you feel there's no hope. I can help with that. As bad as it seems now, there's help out there. People who care."

His laughter is hollow angry. "lies."

"Why do you think I'm lying?"

"Cause my parents don't even care or want to help. My own parents their suppose to love me and accept me no matter who I am or what my sexuality is."

"Some people should never be allowed to have kids."

"Rough childhood?"

"Dad beat the shit out of us, mom killed my dad, she used my keys to get into his apartment."

"Fuck dude that is rough sorry, guess you did trump me."

"Uh please don't use that animals name in the same sentence as my name."

"Not a fan?"

"Hell no. You?"

"I'm a immigrant, I'm bisexual what do you think?"

Laughing I have managed to move close enough to touch his arm, but don't. "What country did you come from?" "Ireland."

"Parents move for a better job?"

"No I ran away, they threw me out because my dad found me in bed with my girlfriend and my boyfriend together."

"I'm sorry ….I didn't get your name."

"I didn't give it, doesn't matter who I am, I'll be gone soon."

"Would you consider staying?"

"Why? So I can live on the streets and be some pimps little bitch?"

"No. So I can adopt you, show you that life isn't always so cut and dry."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I've always wanted kids, life hasn't worked out for either one us. Maybe this is God's way of giving us what we both really desire."

"You would really do that? Take in a total stranger who has a mental illness? I mean it's not normal to want to hurt yourself is it?"

I remember something Shay told me once years ago when we were both wasted. She had confided in me that when she was fourteen and had figured out she was a lesbian, she hadn't been confused at all. Yet she had been scared she didn't want to tell her parents fearing rejection. Only one person knew how she felt her best friend Corey who was gay. They made a plan to kill themselves on the 15th birthdays they shared the same day May 18th.

Today

They went to his house took a bottle of tequila and took pills one for each of their teen years and one for each year they wouldn't live to see. He grabbed his dad's gun, just as he handed it to her a show called rescue 911 came on. The show featured a teenager who wanted to kill himself but was saved by his best friend. Corey pulled the trigger before Shay could stop him. Seeing him die in her arms changed her mind, it set her on a path to becoming a paramedic.

His death haunted her everyday. She was drunk as hell but she made one statement after she told me that story which stuck with me. "Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting any Worse. It eliminates the possibility of it getting any better."

"I want to help you. If you'll let me. Just let yourself feel my love, my sincerity."

He looks at me "Are you challenging me?"

"I'm challenging both of us. I need to find a reason to get over my ex wife, to prove that adoption isn't always a heartbreaking experience. You need a dad who accepts you, supports you and allows you to be yourself while providing for you. I can and want to do that for you."

"Sounds like a dream come true."

"Allow yourself to experience it silence is a wall surrounding your heart blocking light, laughter, love. Silence hurts allow love to break down those walls."

He grabs my hand before he can change his mind so I yank him up we both fall back into the wet hot concrete. As a police cruiser speeds up. "Matt?" Officer Kim Burgess comes out shielding her eyes from the harsh heavy rain.

"Kim?" "Yes get in we need to get to Med quick."

"Why?"

"It's Brett. She's … we just need to go."

I grab his hand he looks nervous but nods. So we race to her car. My heart is speeding from fear excitement and confusion.


	9. Chapter 9 Question for everyone

**Question for everyone. Would you want to see an alternative verison of this before it got to the point of Suicide. Where Gabby and Sylvie discover she's pregnant, where she has to work through how she feels what she wants to do. And Matt stands by her side? I have a twitter poll going as well would love opinions. Will keep this story going when insipration hits. **


	10. Chapter 10 Health And Healing

**Chapter 10 Heath and Healing**

**P O V: Gabriela Dawson**

**A/N: Would anyone want an alternative version of this fic? One where Sylvie didn't die? —Ty for all the love. **

"I don't want to live anymore.

Shay's words haunt my subconscious. It's been years since I've heard those words. Fuck, it's been years since I've heard her say anything at all.

I miss her voice.

I miss her smile

Laughter, her cute little snort. I miss her wisdom, hugs, crazy drunk ass antics, and those late-night talk cuddle sessions. I missed making love to her when we were both drunk with broken hearts. I need my best friend. She would know me how to snap me out of this haze. Hell, if she were alive today, I wouldn't be lying here curled up in a ball hooked to IV's restrained. A broken shell of the woman who used to hold me up in pride.

Matt and I would never have broken up over this. She would have played peacemaker opened up a bottle of wine and made us talk; she wouldn't have budged. She would have had some earthly hippie inspirational shit which would of either struck something inside of us or drove us so damn crazy that we would have made up just to shut her drunk ass up.

Brett and I would have never fought because Shay would've knocked my egotistical ass down a few pegs.

I would've been forced to pay attention Shay would have seen the signs. There had to be signs, didn't there? No one wakes up one day and says today I want to die. No one wakes up decides today is the day I am going to eat my gun.

So how did I miss the signs again? How could I let this happen? "Miss Dawson?" Looking up through my pink lachrymose eyes. I see Dr. Bekker standing beside my bed, her hand gently laying on my hip. Even with the five blankets on me, I am still freezing. "Why so formal Ava? We're friends, call me Gabby." "If that's your wish, hon." "Yes, please give me some normalcy in this fucked up day."

"Gabby, I am here if you want to talk. I know this is shocking, sudden trauma. These types of death catch us, and we think we will never be able to breathe again. They can affect us far after we think they should. Even years after we've rebuilt and moved on. Even those of us who are used to seeing the unthinkable, unmentionable in our everyday life. It's even worse, of course, when it happens to someone we love."

Her words bring me back to eight years ago, the image of Darryl blowing his brains out in front of Shay and myself. Blood splattered everywhere over the walls, my shirt, Shay's stunned speechless rendered mouth, widen eyes.

"If you had only listened to me Shay, he would still be alive! We could have saved him! God damn it, I am the P. I. C. You take orders from me!"

My angry words cause a sharp pain to pound across my temple. Small moans escape me as I roll over, feeling exhausted. Tears fall painfully down my cheeks as I clutch the pillows, which are plastic and hard. Why do I always take things out on the ones I love the most? When will I learn? I couldn't see how badly Shay had been hurting first Darryl, then my blame, Devin robbing her apartment, everyone piling their guilt on her.

I saw the signs back then the all-night partying binges, sleepless nights of drinking till she puked or passed out cold whichever came first. Her reckless sleeping around with any chick protection never on her mind. She was showing up late for shifts, her weight loss the chain-smoking, her mood changes.

Did I ignore them back then why? Because my damn pride was hurt. Because I was waiting for her to apologize instead of just being a man and doing it myself. I never dreamed it would lead to Shay pulling a gun to her temple. Severide's words still haunt inside my mind.

"I don't know what went down between you two. Quite frankly, Gabby, I don't give a rat's ass. You broke Shay Gabby. You did no one else. So get your head out of your ass and go to her. She needs you, her best friend. Go before it's too late."

"Gabby?" I blink back against he tears seeing Ava's worries fixated on mine."I'm keeping you for 72 hours of observation, this can be voluntary, or I can and will commit you to be held as a precaution to keep yourself and your family safe."

It's pointless to tell her I am fine, not when she heard all about how I help a gun to my head. Sane, rational people don't do that, do they?"Is there anyone you would like me to call?" "Does heaven have a phone-line Ava?" she smiles sadly at me, squeezing my shoulder. "I wish baby girl; I wish every-day." I wonder briefly who she wants to call? We've never heard her talk about her family. "I need to tell them how sorry I am Ava, how will they ever know?" "Because they know you, Gabby, they know your heart, and they know what type of person you always were."

"I know you feel physically ill, and I get that you feel lost, numb, terrified, angry at yourself, at God at everyone who let you down. I'm here to help you help yourself. Love lives on Gabby. You have to let yourself feel that love, stop letting the self-blame interfere. Hold Sylvie and Shay close let their essence remind you they are always here. They're your angels now. I know it seems otherworldly, but it may just help you. I can't tell you the times it's helped me remember I am not alone, blaming yourself for someone else dies. There's no guilt like it."

I can't stop the tears as they cascade down my checks. Her arms embrace my trembling body. Rocking me gently in refugee, "Can you please call Stella or my brother?" "Of course, sweetie. Whoever you need, I'm going to give you a shot of Lorazepam, and it'll help relax you, sweetheart, just lay back close your eyes. You're safe now baby I got you."

"Gabby, will you consent to be admitted for psychiatric treatment for at least 72 hours, or do I have to commit you? We both know you are not walking out of this ER tonight, not after putting a gun to your head." I nodded, taking a deep breath, "I need help Ava, I know I do. I don't want to die. I have so many reasons to live, I just need help, to get my health right. I can't do this on my own anymore. I need to heal. Even if no one ever forgives me. I need to find a way to forgive myself." "Gabby, there's nothing that you've done that needs to be forgiven; you are not to blame for Sylvie's actions; she could have asked for help. She didn't. You are a stronger person already from this moment right here, because you chose to live, to ask for help. Life starts again right now, take a deep breath and keep repeating that when shit gets hard. Because each exhale cleanses out the negative and allows positive fresh air to be inhaled."

Ava's voice starts to drift in fragments as my eyes grow heavy, my breathing tight. I can only hope she's right, we all have battle scars mine feel so deep I don't know if we can find a tourniquet tight enough to stop the hemorrhaging.

My last vision before sleep claims me is of Sylvie and Shay holding hands watching over the earth; they both look forever eternally beautiful with lacy white dresses and golden wings their dancing on clouds laughing.

I wonder if heaven is that peaceful. I hope it is they deserve it. They deserve to be queens of heaven's gates. "I love you both," I whisper before I can't feel see or hear anything anymore.


	11. Chapter 11 Unbreakable

**A/N: would anyone like an alternative version of this story where Sylvie doesn't kill herself? Review or PM me here also tweet me at Mileycfan4eva. This will be the last chapter ty for everyone who has reviewed favored or followed.**

**Chapter: 11 Unbreakable **

**POV: Matt Casey**

"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting any Worse. It eliminates the possibility of it getting any better." Those words haunt my brain as I sit in the ER awaiting news of the boy I pulled off the bridge. He was seconds away from death, and I saved him.

Some people would call it fate. I call it an Angel is watching over us. I call her Shay. She saved his life, and probably mine in the process, why didn't she save Brett? How could She let this happen?

"Shit, what a night this has been."

I turn, seeing Herrmann slide in the seat next to me. "We lose Brett; we almost lose Gabby."

"Wait; what? Gabby, is here?"

"Yeah, room three with Dr. Becker she tried to take her own life."

My feet are up before my mind has made sense of his words. "Sir, you can't go in there." April moves in front of me with lighting speed. "I have to, I have seen my wife."

"Matt, she's requested no visitors, including you. I'm sorry you'll have to wait till she clears you."

As mad as she is at me, that's never going to happen. God, can tonight get any worse? "Matt?" My head snaps up when I see Dr. Becker come out of her room. "How is she?"

"Gabby has a long road ahead of her, but she's willing to do the work, that's a big start."

"I don't understand why this happened? How could ton of our best, brightest, most confident people do this?"

"You want my opinion?"

"Yes, someone needs to explain this to me, please!"

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. Brett left a letter stating how she try felt, maybe the fight with Gabby had a lot to do with it. Honestly, I think it went more profound than that. I Didn't read her whole letter haven't had much time. In my experience, though people who commit sSuicide doesn't want to die, t; then the pain to end. They don't see any light at the end of a deep dark tunnel. Gabby blames herself and hate's herself right now. With therapy and time and maybe some medication, she can get through this. She'll need help, though. From all of you."

"Gabby of all people, she always seems so strong self-assured, unbreakable. I can't wrap my brain around this."

"We're human, Matt; we are all capable of breaking; the human spirit can be crushed, beaten broken, but it can also, rise again. Gabby wants to live; you got through to the young man tonight. We saved two lives. I know its heartbreaking that we lost Brett, and there will be time to grieve. Right now, though, be thankful, Gabby, and this young man made it through that tunnel."

"How done get through this?"

Ava places her hand on my shoulder, smiling softly and sadly, "One day at a time. Matt, as a first r, responder, You know the outcome, I am not always what we want. As a doctor, it's my job to save people. When I lose a patient, it kills a part of my heart. I feel as if I have failed. Tonight I didn't just lose a patient. I lost a friend, so I get it. All we can do is remember this We cannot tear a single page out of our book, but we can toss the whole damn thing into the fire. We can't change tonight, but we can throw the book out and make a new novel—one where we learn from our mistakes and do better. So there is never another regret like this."

.


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